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…I can't believe I'm doing this. No, that's not true. I can't believe my life has taken this turn, forcing me to do this. No, not true either. I'm doing this because I am desperate to keep my hubby, and losing my ego and pride is the price to keep him. Yes, the truth either makes us all believers or turns us into metaphorical ostriches. My head may be stuck up somewhere, but it's not a hole in the sand.
I scan the document one final time before printing. I know if I keep rereading, I'll keep changing the words, changing the sentence structure. All delays because I really don't want to print this out and sign it.
I go back to surfing the web one last time to see if I've missed anything. Damn, this is humiliating. I'm using incognito mode, flushing the browsing history and even the cookies, but I still feel the heat of shame creeping up my neck as my face turns a deep purple-red. Nobody will ever know about this, but just surfing these celibacy sites crushes my spirit.
Most of it is way over the top, but I needed to make sure I understood enough about the lifestyle to offer my solution. The lifestyle, ugh! Who in their right mind would agree to a celibate lifestyle if chanting and tequila weren't a regular part of it? Yep, once you remove the spiritual drivers for celibacy, there doesn't seem to be any point to me. I guess it all boils down to self sacrifice and suffering. It seems that once you remove the spiritual aspect, it's just a power game between couples. That realization helps a little bit, but a game should be fun for all players. To me, this is not a game and in no way will it be fun. Spiritual, then.
I had a very hard time trying to find out the rules and guidelines that would work for me. There'd be no little silver key on a chain around her neck. I'm doing this for him, for us, but I'm not his property. I am making a statement. I'm telling him that I don't want a divorce, and will fight to keep him no matter what.
With that last thought spurring me on, I print the damn thing and sign the bottom. I immediately feel a bit of panic.
Look, I'm not a complete lame, at least not yet. If I thought for once he didn't love me as much as I loved him, I'd let him leave. But I can tell he’s lying to me when he says he doesn't love me "that way" anymore, and that a divorce is the only way forward. I know he is doing this to try and save my dignity and pride.
He always told our friends that sex is what keeps me happy at home. He's right, of course. I've had the best 20 years any woman could want. But now that he's taken it off the table, she thinks that will drive me to accept this silly divorce plan. I'm pretty sure I recognize his boss's influence in that thought process.
He always told our friends that sex is what keeps me happy at home. He's right, of course. I've had the best 20 years any woman could want. But now that he's taken it off the table, she thinks that will drive me to accept this silly divorce plan. I'm pretty sure I recognize his boss's influence in that thought process.
He walked into the living room and handed him the paper.
"What's this?" he asked.
"My answer to your divorce suggestion."
"Oh." he whispered, tears forming in his eyes. Those eyes! It's been twenty years and I get lost in them everytime. The twenty years have changed him in so many ways, but not her eyes.
In his case, his eyes are the windows to his emotions. They are honey brown when he is happy or content, with a slight hazel hue when he’s feeling frisky. Today, they are dark brown, telling me he was anxious, stressed or nervous. I haven't seen the honey brown in weeks. If this doesn't work, I may never see them again. I had to get this right, and started my speech as eloquently as I could muster.
"This, my dear, is an Oath of Celibacy. I am giving up sex so we can stay married. Our wedding vows were for better or worse, sickness and health and all. I will not let you divorce me because sex is now off the table for us. Yes, I know that your libido is gone. Yes, I know that perimenopause has made it impossible for me to enjoy sex with you. I know that you feel like shit every time you grab my ass or cop a feel.I love our intimacy and I don't want to lose you are worried about my pussy! I VOW THAT FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, MY PUSSY IS ALONE TO SATISFY!!" So much for eloquence!
Bingo! I could see his eyes changing to the honey brown I love so much. It would not be easy, but the look on his face right now is worth a thousand cold showers. Looks like I'd be buying his boss an expensive bottle as thanks. He knew I'd figure out the solution if he brought the problem to a head!
"Well, maybe we could, um, let you cheat your vow once in a while..." as his eyes held the greenest tint I've seen since our honeymoon.
